Monday, July 4, 2011

Paradise Fragment: I went out looking for love

I went out looking for love and found a man and a woman the woman a little fat making out in a car outside a bar and I found a lot of drunk people and I found some friends and we drank and danced and I saw a girl I maybe used to love and she was with another guy and I didn’t really mind and I walked to a pizza place because I wanted some pizza but it was closed so I went home and made grilled cheese and because I did not have ketchup I dipped it in barbeque sauce and I watched Lord of the Rings and I took my brain pills and I fell asleep.

I went out looking for love and found vomit in the gutter and a blonde-haired girl sitting on the curb and crying and a young man with spiky hair yelling into his cell phone and a homeless man sitting on a planter listening to headphones staring at passing cars, right outside the Bank of America.

I went out looking for love and finding none I walked home and sat on my couch and sent text messages to every single girl in my phone Hey watcha doin and only one girl replied the one girl who always replies with a Hieee and I’ve been down that road too many times and I know exactly where it leads so I put away my phone another night without love.

I went out looking for love and found myself thinking about human waste the stuff that gets expelled from our bodies poop and pee and blood I sometimes find it hard to even be attracted to a woman knowing that her body expels poop and pee and blood and I know my body does too and it is gross to me why can’t I accept it as natural I try to imagine a body without waste a perfectly efficient machine a robot but what do robots know of love regarding human waste my mom always said Garbage in garbage out actually she was talking about television sometimes when I am eating a nice meal I think this will turn into poop sometimes when I am suffering I write beautifully garbage in beauty out in the Bible God asked Ezekiel to eat poop and what came out was gold I think most of the prophets were lonely.

I went out looking for love but found pharmaceuticals instead paxil seroquel xanax sometimes numbness is better sometimes if you are numb for too long you can forget what love feels like and you end up mistaking a lot of things for love that are not love.

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