It's been a little while since I've sat down to just, like, write. I've been really busy lately with a bunch of creative projects (opening a book store, my band, editing Hibbleton Independent) that I haven't "journalled" much lately.
Tonight I feel compelled to write. I am lonely, but that's nothing new. I get frustrated sometimes because I feel like I'm a pretty creative and interesting guy, but I can't seem to find the right girl. And also, even if I found a girl I really liked, I'm afraid I would soon feel, like, trapped and stifled. There are so many things I want to do and make that it scares me--the whole commitment thing. And so I remain lonely, and sometimes depressed.
I feel my life is in a transitional stage. I am relatively poor--not sure how I'm gonna be able to afford all my bills. I feel this rage, this passion, pushing me away from conventional work. All I want to do is write and make art and play music and publish books and stuff like that. But none of those things bring me any real money or security. And so I am left in this limbo of relative poverty, trying to maintain my creative independence while also trying to hold onto my financial independence. And this pull, this struggle, difficult and scary as it sometimes is, also creates the friction that keeps my creative spark alive, if that makes any sense.
There is a part of me that despises the notion of a conventional life--working a job you don't really love. One thing depression has done to me is eradicated my ability to lie to myself. I cannot do something if my heart is not wholly in it. I am incapable of "settling" or compromise.
So what can I do? I will continue teaching my couple classes, and continue waging my little war against convention. I don't know where this will take me. Maybe I'll end up this 40-year-old man living with his parents. Maybe so. But I can't stop creating. It is my very life's blood. It is not a hobby, not something I do in my "spare time." Not something I do on Tuesdays. It was what keeps me alive, keeps me sane, keeps me engaged with life, with all its bewildering pain and pleasure.
I sometimes feel that I am like a broken record with all this creativity talk. Fuck it--I dance to that broken record.